My Father In Law Went From Annoying To Asshole

"Tom McParland" (tommcparland) 03/24/2016 at 09:45 • Filed to: dadlopnik

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...and now we have to find another place to live. (Sorry, Oppo I’m doing these a lot, but I need a place to get this shit out and you folks are nice to talk to). Warning, this is a long one.

Ok so recap on the situation for those that haven’t followed the previous posts. My wife and I sold our house and are building a new one. It’s going to be a long process until the new place is done. My father in law was nice enough to let us live at his place until our house is finished.

Just some background on him, Vietnam Vet, with PTSD, and a whole slew of mental issues. Can be difficult at times, but managable when he is on his meds. Having his grandkids around was actually helping him. My wife, who is disabled, would clean the house as best she could, cook him meals, and pretty much do whatever she could ON TOP OF TAKING CARE OF OUR KIDS.

The past week or so he started leaving the house around 4 pm and we would not know when he would return. He is an adult, he can do what he wants. But my wife would call him and say “Hey dinner will be ready in a half-hour or so if you want to come home and eat.” An hour or whenever the hell he feels like it, he comes back and is all pissy that we didn’t wait. Mind you we still make a point to leave enough food for him. Oh...and he has started drinking again, with a history of alcholism and and DUI things have been going downhill.

Yesterday, I get home and I have to take my wife’s wheelchair to the bike-shop to replace the tubes and tires. Because it is difficult for her to care for the kids while she doesn’t have a functional chair, and due to the fact that her dad is pretty much useless when it comes to helping nor was he home, we go to her mom’s house.

We get the chair fixed and have dinner at her mom’s. Her dad calls and leaves 3 voicemails, clearly drunk -

The TL:DR to all of the messages is basically

I’M PACKING YOUR SHIT UP. YOU GOTTA GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE...

She tries to explain that we had to get her chair fixed and that is why we were not home. But because he was at VA all day and didn’t eat, despite the fact that my wife offered to make him a salad at lunch, he is blaming us.

Of course since he is drunk there is no way to talk some sense into him. We go to a friend’s house after dinner and I try to call hoping I can calm him down. I try to convince him that perhaps there was a misscommunication and because he loves his grandkids we can work something out.

Nope...he wants us out. NOW!

I managed to talk him into just letting me take a few things last night and we will come up with a game plan today (when he sobers up).

At 9 o-clock at night I have to pack all kinds of shit up and take my disabled wife and two kids out of the house. We are staying at my mother in laws for now, which is fine, but not a permanent solution. The house is small, the shower is workable but not really accessible, and we are both stuck on a full-size bed.

So instead of enjoying my Spring Break, I need to find another place to live. Normally, this wouldn’t be too diffiuclt since we are near several shore towns with tons of rentals. But all the homes are so old, none of them are handicapped accessible.

My wife and I decided that even if by some miracle he apologises, we are never exposing our kids to that again.

Now the good news is there are a lot of campgrounds in the area that have some cool bungalos and seasonal rentals that according to the ads are handicapped accesiable. These places have a pool, a lake, playgrounds. All within an easy walk, it will cost some money, but sanity has a price.

If that works out it can get us into the Fall, but those places are closed for the winter, but it could end up being a fun think for the family while the weather is good.

Right now it’s just one day at a time.

Dsscats > Tom McParland 03/24/2016 at 09:53

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That’s terrible, I’m sorry.

Party-vi > Tom McParland 03/24/2016 at 09:57

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While my sister and BIL were having their house built they stayed with my parents, along with their two girls (3 and 4). By the end of two months I thought my parents were going to kill my sister/BIL, or my sister and BIL would get the drop on my parents and then just sort of hide the bodies and live there forever. Everyone says working with family is awful, but I put it to you that living with family is worse.

JawzX2, Boost Addict. 1.6t, 2.7tt, 4.2t > Tom McParland 03/24/2016 at 09:57

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My dad (who died recently) was a master of the putdown, guilt-trip, plausible belittlement and an irredeemable crumudgeon to the very end, but at least he wasn’t a drunk asshole. Sorry man :/

Niko's Work Account > Tom McParland 03/24/2016 at 10:00

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I am so sorry this is happening. Its terrible when people just won’t listen

Biggus Dickus (RevsBro) > Tom McParland 03/24/2016 at 10:01

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I feel for you. I have several crazy in laws and they all suck. Have an Avant like the old days.

Tom McParland > Biggus Dickus (RevsBro) 03/24/2016 at 10:03

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thanks man

they-will-know-my-velocity > Tom McParland 03/24/2016 at 10:04

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That’s so disappointing that he would act like that.

But I think it’s the right decision to not go back into that situation. He needs to realize that there are consequences. Maybe he will after this. He needs to realize what his prioritie are. Or if those really are his priorities, then now you know and can avoid him.

As someone who doesn’t speak to one whole half of my family, I have little patience for some of the shit family does to you. My mothers side of the family seems to be one collective asshole. After years of my family caring for my grandmother, moving into her house to care for her, paying for virtually everything not covered by insurance and supporting and caring for her until her death at 89, they had the nerve to start sending hateful emails and calls about wanting this jewelry or complaining about their share of the inheritance. My mother was executor and my Grandmother added a clause to the will that any contest to the will disqualified that family member from the will. They never talked to me but if they ever do, I’ll give them an earful. To be so petty and shortsighted and focused on themselves, especially regarding family is frankly disgusting.

Where have all the lightweights gone? > Tom McParland 03/24/2016 at 10:06

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I can see things from the other perspective, too. It still doesn’t excuse your FIL to treat you as shitty as he did.

I had a friend whose brother and sister in law ended up moving in with them in a similar situation. At first, he thought there wouldn’t be an issue since had the space and they didn’t have any. When they moved in, they also brought their dog and took over the top level of their 3 story house.

Eventually they ended up taking up the upstairs and downstairs (including the fridge), leaving my friend and his new wife to huddle in the basement when they weren’t at work. Fortunately, he had built a nice entertainment system down there and had a few arcade games, so it’s not like he was exactly huddled in a corner.

It sounds like despite invading your FIL’s space, you went above and beyond to help him out. I’m sorry that things didn’t work out and you’re able to enjoy your summer along the water!

TheRealBicycleBuck > Tom McParland 03/24/2016 at 10:06

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Be aware that residency laws affect how long you can stay in long-term vacation rentals. The laws vary by state, but in general, they differentiate between a short-term vacation rental, and a tenant, the difference being the length of stay which is usually defined by 30 days. The owners of vacation properties are aware of this and may be reluctant to let you stay in one longer than a few weeks. They may work around this by moving you from one bungalow to another before the residency laws kick in.

Tom McParland > TheRealBicycleBuck 03/24/2016 at 10:12

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I know you can rent them seasonally, and our official “residence” will still be with my wife’s mom. But good tips.

Berang > Tom McParland 03/24/2016 at 10:12

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My experience is probably not typical, but in my experience this is a pretty common parent thing to do. Promise to help because it makes you seem like a nice person - but when the reality of helping sets in, freak out and go back on what you promised.

Also I know completely what it’s like to deal with an alcoholic family member. The less interaction you have with them the better off your family will be.

bob and john > Tom McParland 03/24/2016 at 10:14

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One step at a time~

Sucks that you have to go through this. Are there any apartments in the area you could go to and rent?

Jewish Stig > Tom McParland 03/24/2016 at 10:15

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Sound like a serious shit storm.

looks like your only course of action is to cut away, like you suggested.

Tom McParland > Jewish Stig 03/24/2016 at 10:15

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yup...it sucks, but that is what has to be done.

Dru > Tom McParland 03/24/2016 at 10:16

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Curious, what state are you in? That really is terrible to have to go through. How long until your house is finished?

TheBloody, Oppositelock lives on in our shitposts. > Tom McParland 03/24/2016 at 10:18

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That sucks dude, hopefully you find a place soon. There is nothing near Stockton?

BJ > Tom McParland 03/24/2016 at 10:18

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I’m sorry to hear about this. I can’t do much except wish you luck and hope that you fond an appropriate temporary residence soon. Chin up and don’t hesitate to come here for help or motivation or whatever.

And let me say that the picture you selected is so amazingly appropriate! Have a 720HP AWD burnout to get your spirits up.

Wacko > Tom McParland 03/24/2016 at 10:21

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I haven’t talked to my wife’s father in almost 2 years,

We were in the process of renovating my house, and we were staying at the in laws for about 1 month. My house was 15 feet in the air for 1 month. I added a story under my old house.

the day we sat the old house on the new house, we moved back in the house without water, and 2 kids(one was 6 months old). Father inlaw kicked us out, basically cause I didn’t let him take control of my project. after that basically called him an asshole, and he pinned his whole family against me and my wife.

My life couldn’t be better since I stopped talking to that asshole.

Tom McParland > TheBloody, Oppositelock lives on in our shitposts. 03/24/2016 at 10:22

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We are all the way down in Cape May County...near Stone Harbor, Wildwood. We just sold our place in EHT. Worst comes to worst I could probably find a place in Atlantic County, but that makes help from my wife’s mom a bit further away.

Tom McParland > BJ 03/24/2016 at 10:23

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Thanks man...that’s a great wagon. Haven’t seen that one before.

Jewish Stig > Tom McParland 03/24/2016 at 10:23

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If its any consolation,
i can tell that most of the couples i know who had to move back to their parents house, came to the same conclusion as yours.
Sanity is worth the price.

Edit: my comment got Kinja’d to another thread .

TheRealBicycleBuck > they-will-know-my-velocity 03/24/2016 at 10:24

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This happened in our family a couple of generations ago. To solve the problem, one great-uncle went to the family home, piled all of his parent’s belongings in the yard, then set them on fire. I imagine him roasting hot dogs and making s’mores while he watched his family history burn.

BrtStlnd > Tom McParland 03/24/2016 at 10:25

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Yeah I would cut him out unless he shows that he can treat you with respect. I read a book a while back that basically said our biggest relational problems come from not being able to extract toxic people/relationships from our lives... and that instead of trying to “fix” things we should just respectfully decline to be in someone’s company.

I know he’s your wife’s dad and your kids grandfather, but he has to earn time with his extended family by treating them well. He isn’t owed time.

Tom McParland > BrtStlnd 03/24/2016 at 10:26

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Oh my wife is beyond done with him at this point.

they-will-know-my-velocity > TheRealBicycleBuck 03/24/2016 at 10:27

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Sounds good to me? “You want that coffee table? Its ashes are out in the yard.”

BrtStlnd > Tom McParland 03/24/2016 at 10:28

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That is good.

haveacarortwoorthree2 > Tom McParland 03/24/2016 at 10:29

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That sucks. My f-in-law has a similar background and issues (skipped out on a lot of child support when my wife was a kid, refused to attend our wedding, backed out of buying her wedding dress, etc.). Just when he started to put all that behind him, he now is suffering from dementia. Wishing for good luck for you and your family!

TheBloody, Oppositelock lives on in our shitposts. > Tom McParland 03/24/2016 at 10:29

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Ah gotcha, yeah that’s a bit of a hike then. Hopefully something comes up close by.

Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. > Tom McParland 03/24/2016 at 10:37

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Sorry to hear this man, my father is an alcoholic/ painkiller abuser and I know how hard it can be. Best get your family out of the way of it and hopefully you find a nice place to live.

Chariotoflove > Tom McParland 03/24/2016 at 10:40

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Hey Tom, I’m sorry you have to deal with this. But from reading you it’s pretty clear you have your act together, and you’ll figure this out. I'm glad you have a strong family. One thing I’ll offer on the side is that it’s pretty easy to do a lot of your basic chair maintenance at home and save a bunch over taking it to the bike shop. I used to be a bike racer before, and now I do everything short of truing wheels at home. Tires and tubes especially are easy, and you don’t have to suffer the down time of the trip to the shop. If I can help you with tips or sources, let me know.

jimz > BrtStlnd 03/24/2016 at 10:46

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blood is thicker than water, but there’s a limit.

Wheelerguy > Tom McParland 03/24/2016 at 10:49

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Uh... I got nothing, really. I’m 18, and rather lucky to not deal with this.

BUT! I can give a plate of sizzling sisig . You can make some if you have a hot plate, though I feel you’ve seen and/or tasted this in a Filipino restaurant before.

Also...

Yep. Maggots, Becketts, Chapel. There are esses, and then there’s Silverstone. Plus Parabolica.

450X_FTW > Tom McParland 03/24/2016 at 10:54

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Think you need this

Tom McParland > Chariotoflove 03/24/2016 at 10:56

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I’ve swapped wheels and tires before, it’s a pain but sometimes the shop is just faster. The spokes are the real hassle, with the center hub an electric motor the spokes are short and they break easy. They either have to be ordered or custom cut.

wiffleballtony > Tom McParland 03/24/2016 at 10:56

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Parents suck. At least he didn’t decide that he didn’t like your kids names and gave then new ones.

David E. Davis > Tom McParland 03/24/2016 at 10:57

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Wish I could get you into my parent’s place in OCNJ...but it’s a 2nd story walk up. I imagine not that doable in you situation.

Tom McParland > David E. Davis 03/24/2016 at 10:57

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yeah we can’t do steps...but thanks for the offer!

David E. Davis > Where have all the lightweights gone? 03/24/2016 at 11:06

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How the fuck did they let that happen?

DanimalHouse > Tom McParland 03/24/2016 at 11:13

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Sorry about the situation, Tom. On the flip side, its clear how much you care about your wife and kids, especially wanting to do whatever it takes to provide them a stable, healthy environment away from abusive behavoir (etc). Way to be a good husband/father stick up for your family. Kudos, and I hope things work out for you all soon!

Where have all the lightweights gone? > David E. Davis 03/24/2016 at 11:23

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Neither one is very confrontational, and everything they could possibly want after a day at work was in the basement. They had a mini fridge stocked with beers and a well-stocked liquor cabinet along with 2 TV’s mounted on the wall.

MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner > Tom McParland 03/24/2016 at 11:28

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Hey man, I hope the camp ground thing works out it sounds like a great time for the summer.

Good luck, and never feel bad about sharing on OPPO, we’re all here for each other.

Tom McParland > MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner 03/24/2016 at 11:29

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yeah made some calls...places only have one handicapped cabin and only weekly rental for $1000 a week...nope.

MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner > Tom McParland 03/24/2016 at 11:30

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whoa damn. I wonder how long you can get by in a tent? (clearly kidding)

shop-teacher > Tom McParland 03/24/2016 at 11:31

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Damn, that is rough. I’m sorry things have gone so sideways. As much as it sucks that your spring break is now blown, at least it’s not happening when you have to work as well. Hang in there man!

Tom McParland > shop-teacher 03/24/2016 at 11:32

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yeah seriously...if I have to get a crew and move stuff at least I’m off.

Taiso0019R > Tom McParland 03/24/2016 at 12:20

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That really sucks Tom. When is the new house going to ready? I’ve been fortunate enough to live with my in laws while we get moved into our first place and its been great so far. But I can definitely see how similar your situation and mine would would be if we had to stay with my mother instead...

Hang in there man. OT: how’s that GTI treating you these days?

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > Tom McParland 03/24/2016 at 12:33

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Very sorry to read this, Tom. I’ve dealt with a family member with mental instability (my mom) and I know how frustrating it can be trying to reason with someone who can’t be reasoned with. Best of luck to you and your family finding the right solution in the short term.

RallyWrench > Tom McParland 03/24/2016 at 12:58

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Wow, I’m sorry you and the family have had to endure that. Sounds like you’re keeping a level head about it though, and your wife is a hell of a woman. Best of luck finding an interim place, I hope it comes soon.

Chan - Mid-engine with cabin fever > Tom McParland 03/24/2016 at 13:37

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Sorry to hear, looking forward to you guys resolving this at least to an interim solution. Also hope your FIL gets the care he needs. Honestly I think your wife has it worst. It’s her own father, too.

Dwhite - Powered by Caffeine, Daft Punk, and Corgis > Tom McParland 03/24/2016 at 15:51

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A bit late to the party, but have you seen if there is anything on airbnb near you? Doesnt sound like its a “vacation” area but you may get lucky. For a little while at least.